Could you believe this guy? He’s nuts, this guy! Does he really think he can come into my place of business and tell me how to run it? Tell me what to sell? This guy thinks he has the biggest balls in town but let me tell you something, he doesn’t! I’ll give it to him, he’s a tough guy, until he sees the balls that I’m packing! Pardon my manners. This guy drives me nuts. How you doin’? The name is Sonny, Sonny Caparelli. I own a bakery right here in Belmont. Can’t get any better than the West Bronx. I grew up in this neighborhood. Back in the days, there were all kinds of restaurants and pastry shops all over. Every day after school, I would go down to one of the shops to buy me some cannoli. I was a fat kid, let me tell you. What can I say? My mother used to spoil me! I was her baby! She died when I was thirteen years old so I had to grow up fast and earn some money, if you know what I mean. I went from momma’s boy, to the most feared man in the city. The real name’s Vincenzo, but everyone calls me Sonny. How’d I get the name youse might be wondering? Well if you mess with me, I’ll make sure you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I also got the name because of my bright personality that youse can feel through my smooth talking right now.
Anyways, let me tell youse what happened. Later on in my life, I traded the guns for the balls I have now. I used my money to buy a bakery. I called it Sonny’s Sweets. What can I say? I’m still a fat kid on the inside. Everybody loves my baked goods. Not only do I sell goodies, but I also sell sandwiches and pizza. I know, I know. It’s weird to sell both but what can you do? My people wanted this from me and I love them so I’ll gladly do it for them. In remembrance of my late mother, I’ve decided to add cannoli on the menu. How can I run an Italian bakery without any cannoli, am I right? Well I guess the tough guy up a couple blocks thinks I’m nuts for putting them in my shop. His name is Lorenzo Barone. I used to run into trouble with him growing up. He’s always been in the same business as me. Now that we’re adults, we both own a bakery, except he only sells baked goods. His shop is famous for his cannoli, like if I give a damn. The difference between me and him is that I have more respect from the people because I don’t back down from a challenge. He really thought he could tell me what I can and can’t sell in my shop. I’m telling you this guy’s nuts! He confronted me about a week ago with his cute little crew that are filled with punks whose mouths are bigger than their fists. I could never understand how someone can have a crew so scrawny. Oh come on! I’m not judging them, but I’ve seen skinny people with heart. The only thing they have are nice clothes and good looks.
He walked in my shop with this look like he’s ready to go. Like me, he likes to look good and presentable. He’s got this slicked back, greasy, dark hair with his little curl falling down on his forehead thinking he’s Elvis Presley or something. He walked in with this suit and gold ring on his pinky. He chews his gum in the most disgusting way and it makes me want to smack him. He had the guts to spit his gum out on my floor, thinking and thought he could get away with it. My guys came out from the back and pinned his little sorry self to the wall. His crew headed straight for the doors, couple of punks. I wasn’t kidding, they have no hearts. They walk in with their chests big but run out when they see my men. Before I tell youse what happened, understand that I’m not dressing or looking like some momo like I am now. I came out from behind the counter with my all black suit and my beautiful black Italian loafers on like a true business man. I look like I can be Sylvester Stallone’s brother. He was my inspiration growing up. I wanted to be as big as that guy. Plus, I dare you to look at this face and tell me I’m not a good looking guy. These are the looks men dream of having! Anyways, I came from behind the counter with a toothpick in my mouth and I says to him,
“You got a lot of nerve coming into my shop the way you did, Chicken Little.” The guy hates when I call him that, but it’s true. As big as he is, he doesn’t have the heart that I have. This guy runs from any confrontations and goes from big to little in a matter of seconds. So I don’t understand why he came into my shop and disrespected my floors the way he did. So this guy tells me,
“I hear you were selling cannoli so I needed to give you a warning.”
“HA! You hear this guy? Who does he think he is to tell me he’s giving me a warning?” All of my crew laughed at how stupid he sounded. No one dares come into my shop and talk to me the way he talked to me. People knows me, knows my crew, and knows what we do to people who feels the need to step out of line with me.
“I came in here to give you a warning! You’re a tough guy standing behind your men. I’d like to see you coming up to me. I bet you can’t do it can you? That’s what I thought!” I laughed so hard that my six pack now has a six pack. I’m telling you his mouth is bigger than his fist. I let him talk because he can’t handle what I had coming for him. So I tell him,
“Hey! Chicken Little! Enough of the small talk and tell me what the hell you’re really doing here, will you? I got things to oversee, baked goods to sell, and people to talk to! You’re wasting my time here!”
“I’m here to tell you to stop selling your damn cannoli! The cannoli is my specialty and it’s a disrespect to think you can sell your nasty cannoli now that you see my business is doing way better than yours!”
All I can tell youse is that I slapped this stronzo so hard that his future generation could feel it. Don’t know what it means? Look it up it isn’t that difficult to figure it out. This is what happens when you trade your guns for the baked goods. People think they can walk all over you. They think they’re the tough guy now, making all the calls around here. He’s forgetting who I am. I’m Sonny Caparelli, and don’t you forget about it either. Oh, and his little outburst from earlier about who’s the real tough guy? I had to show him who owns the streets still. I grabbed this guy by his suit and I says to him,
“Don’t you dare disrespect my shop and my mother’s recipe, do you understand me? If I want to sell the cannoli she’s taught me to make, then I’ll sell the damn cannoli! A real man will outsell more cannoli and show me who’s got more money in their pockets. A real man fights with his business and not with his mouth, capisci?” I dropped this pazzo and told my crew to get him the fuck out of here!
So three days after that, I was at the bar that I run as well. Me and my crew get our business handled there. What can I say? Did you honestly think I completely traded all my business for the bakery? I might’ve left the streets but the streets will never leave me. No one can do what Sonny Caparelli can do. I have to show these stronzos how things need to be handled. The bar allows us to keep our testosterone intact since we bake all damn day. I got all different size men in my crew, I don’t discriminate. I even have skinny people in my crew, but at least they have heart. My crew is a representation of me so of course they all dress good. Can’t have my peoples looking stupid out here. Even if my men have their work clothes on at the shop, they can still knock someone out.
Anyways, I got a call from my man Ghost and he told me that someone trashed my bakery. We call him Ghost because he knows anything about everything but is never seen when anything happens. He’s usually standing around the neighborhood with a cigarette in his mouth and his tilted hat on, small in size but he knows what there is to know. He’s been a part of my crew since I was on the streets. He told me it was Chicken Little and his punk of a crew, so I told my men to get ready for what’s coming for us. I made a couple of my mother’s cannoli and attached a little note to it, like the classy man I am. What I wrote to this guy was:
You think you’ve got cazzi bigger than mine? We’ll see who the last guy standing is. I told you before, the tougher guy is the one who works the hardest. A real man is the one who sees competition as no competition. Come to my bar and we’ll see who the real tough guy is stronzo.
-Sonny Caparelli
Earlier today Mr. Tough Guy came into the bar to settle this little game he had going on. It wouldn’t be right if I didn’t show this guy who’s the real boss around here. He walked in the bar with his men strapped down ready to go. I had two of my guys stand by the front doors. When everyone walked in, they both shut and locked the doors. My guys came in and brought at least four big buckets up of our weapons. Chicken Little’s crew only brought two. I says to him,
“You think you’re prepared tough guy?”
“Don’t worry Sonny! I always come prepared!” My crew laughs at how ridiculous this guy sounds.
“So you really think your balls are bigger than mine huh? Well don’t tell me, show me!”
We opened our buckets and they opened theirs. And so our fight began. Chicken Little threw the first meatball. It was cute, but like I kept saying, mine was bigger. What? Did you momos think it was going to be a gun war or something? I told you I traded my guns for balls. I always had the heart people! I was never a punk! I just didn’t want to have any more blood on my hands. Plus, you gotta fight over a food business with food, am I right? Oh come on! I don’t want any of youse looking at me like that! I wasn’t going to kill the man over some cannoli! Youse are all nuts if you thought that!
I wish I could’ve recorded this fight so youse can see it. When I think about it, all I can hear is Frank Sinatra singing “I did it my way,” as these men were getting hit in the head with meatballs in slow motion. One of Chicken Little’s men got knocked out with a meatball. How does someone get knocked out with a meatball? The hell if I know. I told you his peoples are weak. Anyways, to sum up what happened, his little crew went flying out the bar when they ran out of meatballs. We all looked ridiculous. This might sound crazy, but let’s be real here. We all had to grow up fast, but it doesn’t mean we aren’t all some big kids here. They left Lorenzo to fend for himself. He was on the floor, out of breath and pissed. After every one of his crew members left, I went up to this guy and I says to him,
“How does it feel to be a losing man? When you’re too busy worrying about what the next man is doing, you’ll never run a business right.” I stuck my hand out to this momo and helped him up. He already looked stupid on the floor so I didn’t want to give him any more hell than he gave himself. So I looked him in the eye and I says to this guy,
“Don’t you ever disrespect my place again! My name is Sonny Caparelli and don’t you forget about it!”
